Look Out For My Fist

I struggle to stop the shaking that has taken hold,
My anger radiates far for such miseries untold,
I have been lectured to once and once again,
This is not a story to tell just friends,
I hold tight to the things I cannot forget
and you can't remember, so just please just let
me stew in hatred and filth because I'll never change.

Between You and Me

It's not often that I have nothing to say,
I look for words and ways to express,
I grasp and I write but I can't find the way,
Nothing I can say will make you hurt less.
I look for paths to announce truth and hurt,
Your hurt, my hurt, there is honesty in suffering,
But black and white the words provide no comfort,
Emotions are useful, without them words are nothing.
Still, here I am and I can't understand,
Why things happen and life isn't fair,
So the words I pour out don't lend a hand,
But in them I want to show that I truly care.
I care about you and what your life has brought,
I care about you and what you dream,
There is nothing I can say that you'll never be taught,
And everything happens exactly as it seems.
Maybe it's good that I am finally silent,
Life is a struggle and in it you're not alone,
So instead of wasting time bemoaning what's violent,
I'll put down the pen and call you on the phone.

Bruised and Scarred

She said I didn't know pain,
But she couldn't even remember her own name,
The words I held back tumbled deep,
Tearing me inside with no relief.
Oh, I know pain,
Pain is what it feels like when you do it all,
Hold it together and try to let nothing fall,
Build everyone up while you feel so small.
Pain is what it feels like when your insides smolder,
Maybe she knew but I thought I told her
That I cannot keep being strong enough for everyone,
It is coming soon that I am almost done.
Flickering in pain that leaves you gasping,
Pain is what punches you in the stomach, grasping
your heart through your throat and pulling it through,
You thought you knew me but I'm the one who knows you.
I know that she seeks to hurt to get what she wants,
And hurt she does despite what I put up front,
My walls are crumbling with no support,
People tell me I'm strong but I'm nothing of the sort.
Oh, I know pain,
I know what it is like to feel worthless,
Because she tells me I'm a mess,
I know what it is like to feel alone,
Because there is no heart in my home,
I know what it is like to feel bitter,
Because I just can't forgive her,
I know what it is like to be angry,
Because I have been lied to again and again,
Oh, I know pain.
She said to me to go fuck myself and the white horse
I rode in on, but stupid me again I felt pain course
through and through with no end in sight,
I've got nothing left in me to fight.
I've always done it all,
Outside perfect with inside a pitfall,
Uneasy when things are going well,
Because just when I thought it was good she fell.
Oh, I know pain.

Maybe we were all just one of the same,
together and apart we had no shame,
if we could do it all over would I still be sane,
tear me apart and give me a new name.
The words on your lips and mine as well,
together and apart toward Hell we fell,
tomorrow is no more with life in a cell,
tear me apart and see I've nothing to tell.
Maybe it happened that we were all one,
together and apart the differences were none,
today we'll all face the barrel of a smoking gun,
tear me apart and see that I am done.

Lacking

The other night I dreamt of you,
The image was unclear and true,
I was always unable to pin you down,
There is no firm memory to be found.
Wisps of conversation filter through,
Unable to stick to any lasting place that grew
out of love for you and hate too,
I wish I could remember you.
I lay awake with the bitter dregs,
Of what was and what I cannot peg
down or to you as I thought you were,
Maybe it was always connected to me or her.
Her as in me or who I once was,
When I dreamt of you it was us because
me without you was never as clear,
As us together, as us in my thoughts here.
The other night I dreamt of you,
But really I dreamt about us and few
other things crossed my mind,
Than the thought that you left me behind.

The Teddy Bear

Take me home, take me home,
The button eyes pleaded from the window,
Seeking a friend in all that passed,
I'll stay with you forever the eyes said.
Soft and cuddly it soon was bought,
Into the arms of a child held close,
Best of friends and never apart,
Together forever they would be.
But with all the smiles it gave,
Forever was not to be,
Changing hands countless times,
A little more wear with each passing.
Oh the stories I could tell it thought silently,
It's left paw was dragging behind,
The sole of a beaten sneaker of a young boy,
Oh the stories I could tell.
The boy held his best friend close,
It was the only family he had,
Though he could not keep himself clean or full
of food or love he kept his best friend close.
The soft fur, torn and falling apart,
Has seen and soaked up many tears,
From those that have nothing but
the expectation of another lonely day.
The boy and his best friend sit on the corner,
Of a bustling downtown street,
Big eyes, dull eyes, of both pleading silently,
Take me home, take me home,
I'll stay with you forever.
Eyes slid by without a second glance,
People scurried to avoid the boy and the emotions
he brought forth in them and the guilt,
Take me home he silently cried.
Can't you see that he needs you the button eyes pleaded,
Unceasing in its stare it was held tight
to the drawn chest of the young boy.
I'll stay with you forever thought the teddy bear,
Even if forever is such a short time.

To you but not to you; to me; to you in me.

To us, as one and together, to us apart,
I will always remember you as you are,
Right now and yesterday,
Tomorrow for certain,
Even if I never see your face again,
I will recall it clearly in mind,
The last thing I may see,
Will be your smiling eyes,
Staring, staring at me.
To us, by your side, to you by mine,
To two as one and never one without the other,
I will see you as yourself truly,
But also as me,
Because there I am mirrored,
I have never seen myself more clearly,
Than when I saw you seeing me.
To us, being the question, being the answer.

I Have and I Always Will

The words that are on my heart:
I think about you everyday,
Your voice is the lullaby-
Singing me softly to sleep
and awakening my dreams.

I think about you everyday,
Your love, your touch,
I just cannot say,
What is drawing me to you.

I think about you everyday,
Your smile is my brightening moment,
I seek it out,
It is the muse behind my words.

I think about you everyday,
Your words and tone,
They show me the way,
To what has always been true:
The words that are on my heart.

Say She's A Fool

Your heart has always been occupied.
But I have loved you still,
The first rush of feelings,
You came running my way,
Eager to share love's first ecstasy.
The first rush flew into it's second wind,
Feelings deeper you sought my advice,
How to woo and what to do,
Does she love me was the question.
(She will never love you like I do)
Third tier was heavier,
From here there was one way to go,
One last step to take the plunge,
You came to me with plan in hand.
Back you came running from tears,
I felt your pain and heartache,
It was my own,
I have known your heart all along.
I console what is left of you,
Build you higher and make you see
she is wrong in letting you go,
You are worth more than that.
But still off you go again,
Seeking the world of your world,
At the first rush of feelings you came to me,
I will be ready if you fall again.
I can love you better than they can.

Fake Smile, Real Pain, Times Have Changed

The only twinkle in your eye,
Is the flash of the camera,
Stoic and unchangeable,
Hardened face into permanent perfection.
The smile has not reached your eyes
in quite some time,
You have all but forgotten what happy is.
The past is thus,
Mental grimace and fake smile,
But now is different.
Your days are brighter,
Maybe it is the way he makes you smile,
Real smiles,
Full of laughter and blushing in pleasure,
He is cracking your exterior fortress,
Willing you surrender.
Maybe it is the way that the weight is off
your shoulders and your mind,
For once it is about how things affect you,
Not about what you can give others,
Like how you gave them your soul for years,
Why it never showed up in pictures
because it was never yours to possess.
But now, oh goodness, now,
The twinkle in your eye is there,
A merrily kept secret that time has changed,
You are happy.

It's The Way He Makes Her Fall

What a fool I have been to think you would change,
Once before I fell and got caught up in hope, your range
of lies that were dressed up to impress,
Still I am stuck, still I wish, but now I am less
willing to begin again, I would pick being alone
over checking my messages and chucking my phone
into the walls, into the bed, anywhere at all,
Because that is what I get for the falling
again, I wish you were out of my mind,
My head aches and my heart hurts, unkind.
Your words were smooth, coated with honey I never meant
to get so warmed by the thought of want and need, quickly I bent
farther and faster into your trap.
I am not your whore, someone to fill the gap,
I stumbled and fell and I gave you a second chance,
You took it, you broke it, a shattered lance,
My mistake for believing in you and your promises,
All I wanted was someone to believe in me and my promise,
You have broken me further.
Maybe you will say I never meant to hurt her,
It was all just in fun, no hearts on the line,
Those lies hurt me more than not calling you mine,
The older I get, the less wise I become, because I seem
to forget that there is more hurt than love, my dream
is that I can forget you and leave.
My conviction is that I wish I had never believed.

I Am You & You Are Me, We Are Together

I am nothing outside of myself,
And I am everything.
Maybe I have forgotten the line,
I have left myself behind.
Outside of myself,
And inside of my head, inescapable.
Mysterious mysteries is a repeated redundancy,
And so am I.
I am nothing inside of myself,
But I am everything.
My face is your face and it is beautiful,
We are together and we are not.
I am an antithetical statement,
Everything and nothing.
I am nothing but myself.

Soon She'll Find Out What His Intentions Were About

My mistake letting my memory misplace,
What you did before,
I never thought you would hurt me again.
The saying goes, "Fool me once--
shame on you,
Fool me twice, shame on me."
Yes, it has always been about me,
Inner searching to see my faults,
Because they must be the reason
you will never stay.
My mistake making my mouth smile,
It let you know that you had affect,
Control is something I do not give freely,
But there is something about you--
it won me over.
My mistake for thinking maybe I...
had a shot with you,
am worth falling for,
are loveable enough,
am captivating.
My mistake, you are misleading, my mistake.

Extraordinary Day

Twisted and spinning tighter,
My stomach does not know what to make of emotion,
Pushing for success with a goal in sight,
I have hope for the future.

Wake Me Up To Now

Is there hope for the hopeless,
Or should we just shut our mouths,
Eyes glazing as horror unfolds,
Who determines the useless, the expendable?
When are our mistakes
Blessings in disguise,
Uncloaked of mystery and hate,
When do we do things out of love,
Instead of hate?
Life can spin you rhyme,
Set you a rhythm to live to,
But honesty is harsh,
When will we realize true reality?

I'm Just a Footnote in Your Happiness

My words supplement yours,
Hide me like you have done the rest,
I know the ways to get them to you,
But I am lost when it concerns
getting you to me.
I wish I could say that I will not end up
being the Cupid that has played his part,
Making matches and taking chances,
On everyone but himself,
But here I go.

Let's Hear It For America's Suitehearts

Trying to understand the logic of the illogical,
Where lies are truth and the world is upside down,
As a people we grasp on to what does not make sense,
Taking the messes of yesterday
and sweeping them under the carpet.
We chanted for change, change, change,
But are more concerned with personal than professional,
What happened to the honest reality of ourselves,
Where we do no forget that everyone
is nothing but a bundle of emotion and DNA.
Eager to gobble up words of how famous live their lives,
We forget to live out our own,
Unconcerned that we have completely lost ourselves.
Trust me-
They cannot write it better than you have felt it.
What happened to the honest reality of ourselves,
Where the ideal woman was not someone that
is only .2% of the population as a whole,
Leaving others believing they are less than.
Hands that hold the world are shaken, upset,
We have forgotten what it is like to be the truth,
We have forgotten what it is like to look for truth
and have settled for nothing more than second best,
In words,
In relationships,
In ourselves,
In life.

Honestly I Have Been Begging For Answers

If I could,
I would,
Exchange hopelessness for joy,
Embrace love instead of all hate.
Battle weary with nowhere to go,
Up is out of reach and I have been down
too many times.
No rhyme or rhythm to my words,
Just truth,
Mixed with bitterness and sadness,
The circles under my eyes underline the lies.
Fastening my heart to its ball and chain,
Forgoing what is best and seeking what is worse,
I am nothing if not horrible to myself,
Truthfully.

Gotta Be Somebody

Disappointment is a familiar taste,
Always mindful of its lasting residue,
I am quickly reaching my limit of being nothing,
But my mind insists that I try again.

Two to Tango, One to Cry

Did you know that I hate the saying,
"It takes two to tango",
Romanticizing animalistic craving and need
in a negative statement.
What if you are only one,
Without the other that makes you two,
What dancing do you do then,
And can they play your song in the
Lonely Hearts Club band?

I Flew Into Pieces

I'd hold my breath but I'd turn blue,
Waiting for change, waiting for you,
I'll cross my fingers so hard they'll break,
Hoping beyond anything I have what it takes,
You said I get along so well with guys,
So even though my heart aches I'll cover it with lies,
You smile and say you've got no need to impress,
I smile and laugh as I'm made to feel less.
I wish I had the courage to tell you true,
Stand in your face and scream loud out loud at you,
Say that I'm worth more than you can see,
It will be your loss because you've lost me.

Blurbs

Sometimes it is a relief to lose
when all you have been taught is how to win.
The winning scares you to death,
For if you are known and then lose it,
You have tasted something you can never get back.

Immor(t)ality

Bombs blast overhead,
You'd have been better left for dead,
The cries of the fallen go unheeded,
Your face (the picture of courage) all that's needed,
Close your eyes and see red, white & blue,
Sad you listened to those yelling "Uncle Sam wants you".
Moving forward to face your nameless foe,
Your feet continue as your mind tells you to go,
You left home full of vigor and puffed pride,
Go home a hero but the real you has died.

Scarlet (Coloring Your Senses)

Scarlet.
Slathered across your lips,
Gracing your bed sheets,
A rope hanging out your window,
Vibrant color synonymous with bought passion.
Tangled sheets, sweaty skin,
Palmed money to justify love's expense,
A quick change, perfume the leftover musk,
Next, call the next in line.
Paste on a smile like you paste on your lips,
Beckon with a sultry welcome,
But your dull eyes give you away,
It is hard to pretend.
Normality is broken, dullness has ceased,
Two men seeking refuge from law,
Not seeking forgetfullness in your warm embrace,
Outside of yourself, you grant their pleas.
Judgment is coming for them,
Mens heavy footsteps on the stairs,
Hanging the fugitives out the window by your rope
that marks you for what you are.
Turn the law away with a sweet smile,
Fear rising high in your cheeks,
Sent them on their way with no thought to how they came,
The deed is done, your change has come.
From condemnation to forgiveness you are embraced,
The Red Rope district is no more,
Your ways have been reversed so far,
You will lend you DNA to the Highest of us.

It Ends Tonight

America, you were on the top of the world,
But fast losing footing, grasp at straws,
Ask for change but cannot supply it,
Countries are circling, they can smell the blood,
From the height of everything to the bottom of nothing,
They are going in for the kill.

I Brought You My Bullets

Bitterness is slick,
Sliding down your throat quick
and sure, leaves acid in its wake,
Fueling the embers sure to ignite, slake
your thirst of blood and tears,
I pity someone who comes near.
Maybe this is not what you wanted,
Well too bad, it hollows your being to gaunt
proportions, second chances are a thing of the past,
There is no room for the "I wish I had...", fast
and sure judgment is passed.
They cannot claim they knew not
what they did, unheeded and undaunted
of what lies ahead, of what is almost here,
You can feel the force of their lies snapping, their fear
as they realize their neck is next, you make
sure the process is slow and painful, take
the time to imprint on your memory, stick
it to them like they left it to you. Click.

The Fortunate?

Laughing smiles hidden behind heavy hands,
Mark your path, littered with lies,
Wanton style and a backwards grace,
Your middle finger salutes the bottom of the world.
An insider on the outs, without a doubt,
Your sense of things have reversed,
They've left you stranded, one way to go
with no love to guide your way,
Tossed out, a bedraggled stray,
Free sign tangled around your neck.

There Is Beauty In the Breakdown

He saw, and it was good.
Lord cradle us tenderly,
Whisper sweet words on the winds,
Gift us with beauty that cannot be captured,
We rest in Your arms.
The fruit tasted so sweet at first,
But turned to dust in our mouths,
You could have given up on us,
Left us to die, faithfully unquenched,
Instead we still saw light, Your light,
We rely on Your love.
We fell as if a waterfall,
Farther and faster away from Your love,
But never too far out of reach,
You were always ready to scoop us out of the dark,
We trust in Your words.
You have made the road stable,
But those who seek to harm set us up to stumble,
Catch me, catch them, catch us please,
We think we are invincible but we need second chances,
The road to You is not as easy as belief,
We need Your forgiveness.

I Can't Love You

You can read disappointment in her face,
It weighs heavy on her brow,
Pulls down the lips that are meant to smile,
Sadness dulls her eyes, removing the stars.
On edge and starting at the smallest noise,
Hope flares across her countenance,
But then her heart sinks a little further down,
Because hoping has always left her with nothing.

Today I Woke Up and Hated Life

My head is throbbing.
Pulsing intensified since yesterday,
Unable to think of anything else,
I am just glad I can hold up a conversation.
Outer pain connected with emotional,
I massage my neck and rub my temples,
Blessed relief seems so far out of reach,
It is my memories that weigh me down.

I have no allusions about secrecy,
My life is an open book,
I cannot change what has happened,
I can only look towards the future.
But oh how I miss you so,
Happy Birthday Dad.

Forget Yesterday, We'll Make The Great Escape

The dusk has settled heavily leaving the bruised night,
Absently thumbing the grasses underneath her arms,
Eyes closed, she sighs heavily and turns her eyes to the sight
of the stars glittering in the velvet black.

Her day was different than those she has had before,
Just when she thought that she was trapped in Hell,
She found that even Hell could have a trap door,
It was only a matter of time till things would change.

She knew not when life would bring her back to this place,
But the memories would stay for all of her days,
Her thoughts could weigh her down at a rapid pace,
Now was the time to put her plan into action.

Stiff from the lack of movement her body screams,
But she rises slowly, moving with utter conviction,
Pacing quickly into the house, grabs the bags that hold her dreams,
And moving quickly as to leave no trace, leaves the house behind.

They have made her this way, bitter and always unsettled,
The warm night air tangles her hair down her back,
Dragging her fingers through it she pauses, heedful
of all noise following her in her stead.

Her eyes are fierce and her back is ramrod straight,
No one will ever think to demean her again,
Halting, her steps have finally led her to the gate,
A new day is dawning and she only has one chance to go.

Jumping the fence she continues on without a backwards glance;
It wouldn't be the first time that she has been alone.

It's Higher And We're Scared To Death

The spring rain lightly sprinkles across their bright smiles
as he laughs deeply spinning her around, both grinning
they stumble together, falling to the ground,
fingers lace tightly as they face each other, giggles subsiding.
They make the shape of a heart, involuntarily,
she reaches out and strokes his cheek as he leans forward and seeks
her mouth, a light movement of a deeper meaning, he keeps
her close in his heart as he always has but now it is different, momentous.
His lips brush her ear as her eyes fall shut, the words causing her to flush
rosy pink, the sparkle grew in her eyes as her heart knew his truth.

"I love you"

We All Roll Along

We're all fine and you're still mine,
Though maybe this is the end of calling it pretend,
You say you want change and I say you have lost hope
of coming in range.
Really.
My soul is twisted,
So is my fist and the thought that you're first on my list,
Keeps me moving forward despite all the things I heard,
Some things--they never change.

Yeah You'll Be A Part of Me

It seems as if I am alone now,
Walking up the stairs,
I realized I had no one-
because the one I always talked to was you.
Wiping salty tears off my cheek,
I listen to you tell me it is all my fault,
The real you died a long time ago,
Alcohol has twisted up up and pulled you apart.
I remember your smiles,
Cuddled close to your heart,
That was how it used to be,
All I hear now is the constant yelling.
This cannot be the end,
Stomach churning and chest heaving,
I mourn for what has been lost,
Your self respect and my last shred of innocence,
I am worth more than you said I am.

Two-Sided

Trust me.
Why?
I will never end up like you,
I'm better than you think,
wrapped up in sorrows.
I dream of more than sadness.
My darkest night has faded fast,
Maybe that is true of you but,
while yours seems to just be beginning.
I have not succumbed to darkness.

Second Time Around

Amber liquid splashing,
hastily poured and unmindful of where it goes,
as long as it ends with two things-
burning down your throat as it alleviates you from thought.

Be mindful of the bottom.

You seem to think that happiness,
fleeting or full,
is found at the end of a wine bottle,
and another, and another.

I am drowning in your sorrow.

Loving you was not enough,
you had to constantly numb yourself,
from stupid and unnecessary pain,
leaving others (me) to clean you up in your dripping wake.

You will not find happiness with a bottle.

Empty promises were given time and time again,
I forgave you the blackouts,
I forgave you for being a sobbing mess,
but I still cannot forgive you for telling me I am worthless.

Be mindful of the bottom.

With every drop that you consumed,
you sought to gain happiness and forgetfulness,
and instead every gulp represents someone that despises you now.
I'm sorry to say that I am still one of them.

Fuck You.

I Will Never Believe In Anything Again

Such a pretty face.
That is all I ever hear,
paired with a heavy heart,
facing the mirror--
I hope it swallows me up.
Pinch here and another there,
maybe if I grab hard enough,
the flaws will shrink.
My eyes have deviated
"from what makes me beautful"
and is instead comparing,
constantly comparing,
myself to all the girls I am surrounded by.
How can I compete?
I constantly batter myself,
day and night,
telling myself I will change.
All I am left with is-
an emaciated self worth
and an obese self image-
besides the hatred I have for myself.
The tears do not seem to end,
as I want my mind to lie to me,
in a way that my eyes cannot.