A.P

I’d like to pretend that we are more than just friends

and let my dreams spin out so I can see, that me

and you are more than what I hoped we would be

but that vision is just a lie as much as I pretend otherwise

and it’s not to say that you had hoped it’d be this way

but I need more than that half given heart of yours to stay

So I’ll sit here and wonder if I’ll ever have another

that made my heart beat fast and the candles turn to wax

with the heat that you radiated and the smile that glowed

You could have been mine, but I guess I’ll never know

I'm not someone's hero. I haven't done anything that I believe deserves merit or recognition. I have made decisions when events come my way, and I never knew if they were right at the time, but they were right for me. Does this somehow make me a special person? I understand that my life has been a difficult one and that a lot of other people would have turned and walked away from reality a long time ago. But I've always kept my feet firmly planted on solid ground. This doesn't make me special. I think I'm more scared than anything else. I am scared that I am comfortable in my unhappiness while at the same time I long for the gentle lapping of life, instead of a crashing wave. I understand that I am more comfortable in uncomfortable situations, but that is only because I understand how to deal with those better. That doesn't make me admirable, smart, special, extraordinary, commendable or what have you. That makes me pitiful.

To the Top

I climbed to the top of a hill today;
the wind whipped my hair about my face,
bent the trees til they were at my knees
and it looked like chaos had begun.

On one side it seemed as if there was torment,
Dark clouds pregnant with rain
were ready to cause a torrential downpour,
I feared because it seemed there was no end.

On the opposite side, just down the way,
There was calm.
No wind rustled leaves stirred at my feet,
I might have had a glimpse of blue sky
far, far in the distance.

It is funny, you know, to think that we mirror
nature and Her contradictions.
Two selves were clashing together,
One resonant with pain and the other, peace.

It was were my mind was at,
This confusion of who I wanted to be
and what I wanted to show.
Like the two sides of the hill I had pain and peace,
And I kept turning and turning round,
Hoping for an answer in the weather.

I would like to be the sky,
Looking down at me spinning in circles,
Maybe then I would understand which way
to push myself, down one side or another.

I walked to the top of a hill today,
And realized I was climbing inside of myself,
To find the truth and understand my emotion,
But I am still lost in thought.

Am I Supposed To Be Happy?

I thought I had you figured out,
Your words made me light and full,
My first guess was wrong,
And my second one was too,
Now I'm left with another bruise
on an already beaten heart.
I have let myself be fooled,
This is just another to add to my list
of growing hurts saddled to my back,
Thanks for proving me right,
That nothing seems to go my way.
Just once I would like to rest in arms
that would hold me closely,
Hold me together,
Instead I get the arms that tighten,
To steal what little breath is in my lungs.

Look Out For My Fist

I struggle to stop the shaking that has taken hold,
My anger radiates far for such miseries untold,
I have been lectured to once and once again,
This is not a story to tell just friends,
I hold tight to the things I cannot forget
and you can't remember, so just please just let
me stew in hatred and filth because I'll never change.

Between You and Me

It's not often that I have nothing to say,
I look for words and ways to express,
I grasp and I write but I can't find the way,
Nothing I can say will make you hurt less.
I look for paths to announce truth and hurt,
Your hurt, my hurt, there is honesty in suffering,
But black and white the words provide no comfort,
Emotions are useful, without them words are nothing.
Still, here I am and I can't understand,
Why things happen and life isn't fair,
So the words I pour out don't lend a hand,
But in them I want to show that I truly care.
I care about you and what your life has brought,
I care about you and what you dream,
There is nothing I can say that you'll never be taught,
And everything happens exactly as it seems.
Maybe it's good that I am finally silent,
Life is a struggle and in it you're not alone,
So instead of wasting time bemoaning what's violent,
I'll put down the pen and call you on the phone.

Bruised and Scarred

She said I didn't know pain,
But she couldn't even remember her own name,
The words I held back tumbled deep,
Tearing me inside with no relief.
Oh, I know pain,
Pain is what it feels like when you do it all,
Hold it together and try to let nothing fall,
Build everyone up while you feel so small.
Pain is what it feels like when your insides smolder,
Maybe she knew but I thought I told her
That I cannot keep being strong enough for everyone,
It is coming soon that I am almost done.
Flickering in pain that leaves you gasping,
Pain is what punches you in the stomach, grasping
your heart through your throat and pulling it through,
You thought you knew me but I'm the one who knows you.
I know that she seeks to hurt to get what she wants,
And hurt she does despite what I put up front,
My walls are crumbling with no support,
People tell me I'm strong but I'm nothing of the sort.
Oh, I know pain,
I know what it is like to feel worthless,
Because she tells me I'm a mess,
I know what it is like to feel alone,
Because there is no heart in my home,
I know what it is like to feel bitter,
Because I just can't forgive her,
I know what it is like to be angry,
Because I have been lied to again and again,
Oh, I know pain.
She said to me to go fuck myself and the white horse
I rode in on, but stupid me again I felt pain course
through and through with no end in sight,
I've got nothing left in me to fight.
I've always done it all,
Outside perfect with inside a pitfall,
Uneasy when things are going well,
Because just when I thought it was good she fell.
Oh, I know pain.