Destruction.

Flames licking and windows exploding,

blue and green and red and yellow-

a rainbow shower of shattered glass

makes paths on the ground and Jesus'

face is crying up at me from the floor,

Juxtaposed with the maniacal grinning,

of those who are looting, smashing,

tearing down of the

holy place.

Fuck this shit

I deleted it all from you,

So I won't be tempted.

Nope, if you want me,

You have to choose me.

I am getting the impression

I was played, and now

I'm fucked.

You two,

Her, whoever, (fuck this)

deserve each other.

I walked into the middle of

drama and heartache,

and for a second,

just a moment,

I had hope.

Backing off,

Leaving you alone,

You deserve better than her.

Even if it's not me.

When all was said and done
I was worse off than before.
My smile was genuine -
my words - pure -
But of little consequence
because you still chose her

dizzy and desolate
my mind swims with words
of love of loss of passion
entwined
with images like a flip book
faster and faster as it blurs
the lines are much fainter than they were
between you and i
my dear
the compression on my head
fills the space
but there is no ache in my chest
you see
see me
there you are

A.P

I’d like to pretend that we are more than just friends

and let my dreams spin out so I can see, that me

and you are more than what I hoped we would be

but that vision is just a lie as much as I pretend otherwise

and it’s not to say that you had hoped it’d be this way

but I need more than that half given heart of yours to stay

So I’ll sit here and wonder if I’ll ever have another

that made my heart beat fast and the candles turn to wax

with the heat that you radiated and the smile that glowed

You could have been mine, but I guess I’ll never know

I'm not someone's hero. I haven't done anything that I believe deserves merit or recognition. I have made decisions when events come my way, and I never knew if they were right at the time, but they were right for me. Does this somehow make me a special person? I understand that my life has been a difficult one and that a lot of other people would have turned and walked away from reality a long time ago. But I've always kept my feet firmly planted on solid ground. This doesn't make me special. I think I'm more scared than anything else. I am scared that I am comfortable in my unhappiness while at the same time I long for the gentle lapping of life, instead of a crashing wave. I understand that I am more comfortable in uncomfortable situations, but that is only because I understand how to deal with those better. That doesn't make me admirable, smart, special, extraordinary, commendable or what have you. That makes me pitiful.

To the Top

I climbed to the top of a hill today;
the wind whipped my hair about my face,
bent the trees til they were at my knees
and it looked like chaos had begun.

On one side it seemed as if there was torment,
Dark clouds pregnant with rain
were ready to cause a torrential downpour,
I feared because it seemed there was no end.

On the opposite side, just down the way,
There was calm.
No wind rustled leaves stirred at my feet,
I might have had a glimpse of blue sky
far, far in the distance.

It is funny, you know, to think that we mirror
nature and Her contradictions.
Two selves were clashing together,
One resonant with pain and the other, peace.

It was were my mind was at,
This confusion of who I wanted to be
and what I wanted to show.
Like the two sides of the hill I had pain and peace,
And I kept turning and turning round,
Hoping for an answer in the weather.

I would like to be the sky,
Looking down at me spinning in circles,
Maybe then I would understand which way
to push myself, down one side or another.

I walked to the top of a hill today,
And realized I was climbing inside of myself,
To find the truth and understand my emotion,
But I am still lost in thought.